02. Oblivion.

;

I woke up, but I – but I wish I hadn’t. This is all in my head, right? Honestly, my arms and legs are completely separated from my will to my want - to my want to move forward. Move forward? Right. Move forward, right? This room - the room matches my mind, and I used to break this, all of it. The light is now - the light is now on, uhm. The room is completely lit up. 

But for some reason I still - I still can’t see absolutely anything. Not even through my lids. I - I just don’t even want to be. I don’t even want to be here. Wait, what? Why? Within a matter of seven hours of sleep, I’m numb, not loved - wait. Not loved? I’m loved, right? Right? It just - it just arrived - it’s, it’s stupid. I’m stupid. Am I? 

Yesterday I was high on happiness, yesterday I wanted to see today. Today I want nothing. No passions. What is passion? Am I insane? I have to be really insane. Within five minutes of this next twenty-four hour day, I’ve already asked myself more questions than I’ve asked myself in the past year of my whole entire life. I feel ageless. I feel lost. Actually - not even lost - because if I was lost, that would mean I existed, which I don’t. Wait, do I? Yesterday I did. Or did I?

This is what depression sounds like. This is what – 20% of teens will suffer from a depressive order prier to adulthood. 30% of teens that suffer from being seriously depressed have comorbidity meaning they also suffer from alcoholism or other substance abuse. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in teenagers. When it goes untreated it is the primary cause of suicide in teens where they are 12 times more likely to attempt suicide. Only 30% of depressed teens get treatment. - 30! That’s a miniscule! - For every one suicide death in teens there are 10 more attempts. 

Girls suffer from depression more often than boys, yet boys are more likely to die by suicide. Teenage boys are less likely to seek help for their depressed feelings. Almost 10% of the teen population has attempted suicide. 20% have thought about it. 15% of teens that suffer with a depressive disorder will develop bipolar disorder. Approximately 1/3rd of depressed teens will have turned to alcohol or other substances. Approximately 50% of depressed teens have a family history of depression. 

I was depressed. You feel like you can’t do anything about it. It’s a war. No mind. You’re surrounded by every single thought you thought you’d never have. Tell someone, something, it doesn’t even matter if it’s just a small sign. A bunch of small signs add up. If you’re reading this right now, that means you’re alive. Stay that way.